Pondering

I am incredibly wary about using this blog as a personal diary. For the most obvious reasons, it is not personal, anyone can read it! And I have a fear of saying something that could be misinterpreted. But I feel the need to write this blog post. It may be food-for-thought for others out there who have an understanding or experience of what I have to say. Maybe it could spark some discussion?

Anyway, my disclaimer is that this blog is purely my thoughts at this moment in my life and what I have come to understand on this subject. It is based on many of my own experiences that have helped me draw a more 'objective' point of view of conclusions than I previously had. It's not aimed at anybody else except me. Maybe as my 'concrete' reminder (as often when we put things down in words they stick with us better!?).

So my topic of discussion is relationships. Not the romantic kind, or the good kind, but quite the opposite (I mean the kind where you don’t get along with people completely or well. As in those relationships where at least one of you are always having those awkward thoughts about ‘why does this person hate me so much? Or, I know that they are really trying to be civil with me, but I can see they can’t wait ‘till I'm in another room). Surely I’m note the only person who has those kinds of relationships!?

I am a person who likes to understand the people I know. If you are an open book, then I am relaxed in your presence. If I don't understand you, then I want to know what makes you tick so that I can know how to relate to you. It's funny, I used to think that I was this way because I am a 'people-pleaser'. Now (due to various sources who will not be named here) I realise that it is a gift to want to understand people. It means you are able to be sympathetic if not empathise with people. Since I have discovered that it is actually a benefit to have this 'thing/desire', I am learning to hone it and use it to be a better friend (and person to work with - hopefully a better wife too). I know that I have a long way to go (please don't think I am boasting here, remember these are my observations and still a life-long work in progress), but it has changed my perspective about the people who I just don't seem to 'get'.

Having difficult relationships, some may argue, is to do with differing personalities. And that there are just some people who we clash with because we have different personalities. So some people are just Eeyores, Tiggers, Piglets or Rabbits etc. I'm no psychologist, so I'm sure there is a lot in that, (in fact I probably should go and read up more about the 4 temperaments - (sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic, and melancholic), but now I am completely side-tracked and need to finally get to my point.

So really where is this going? Well my thought is that part of why we don’t get along with certain people, is because of who we are to them.

So it has more to do with the position we hold in their lives than what we say or do (or who we actually are as a person). For example in a relationship where someone is your boss, the relationship is such that it doesn’t matter who you are, or what you do or say, you will never make them happy. You will never be able to have a truly good relationship with that person for as long as you hold that position with them. I know that many people do get along with their bosses, but if you don’t, then think about. Would you get along with that person under different circumstances? You can always move to a different department or job, but what happens if the person (or people) is/are someone you can’t choose to not have anything to do with?

I think that looking at things from the other person’s perspective can be extremely helpful. My editor of my thesis is also a life coach and she gave me some amazing advice about dealing with people that you have to ‘get-along’ with. She told me to put myself in their shoes. To really look at things from their perspective. While it was really difficult to do at that time in my life, it really helped and has proven to work. Because when you are trying YOUR best to understand that person from your perspective your efforts are futile. 

The biggest lesson I learnt during that time (that has finally sunken in all these years later) is that you can only do so much and then you have to give up. WHAT? Did I just say give-up on people???? What kind of person are you Robyn, really??? Yes. Give up and let go. You will never make that person happy, so stop trying because they don’t even know that is how you feel. And if you tell them, they won’t get it anyway because they are still in that position and so are you.

Is this a terrible place to be in? To have people in your life that you know you are never truly going to get on with? Well, we all have these relationships, but does it bother you as much as it has bothered me? Do you have those people in your life that you lie awake at night thinking through everything you said to that person, wondering what exactly it was that you said (or did) to offend them? It’s truly exhausting. They don’t even know that you have this issue (they don't really care if you aren't bosom buddies), and you could be spending your energy elsewhere. 

I have decided lately to 'put myself in those people’s shoes' and try to see things from their perspective. It really is enlightening. It won’t fix the relationship, but it can certainly get you to a point of understanding someone. Maybe it means you will do exactly what they need. Maybe they need you to just step away. Or maybe they need you to make an effort and not expect anything back. It’s time to put this theory to the test.